Dave Portnoy went on a lengthy ‘unbiased’ rant about the New York Yankees’ controversial torpedo bats after they starred in a blowout win over the Milwaukee Brewers.

The Bronx Bombers showed off their new bats at home on Saturday by hitting a team-record nine home runs in a 20-9 rout of the visiting Brewers.

After the MLB fanbase blasted the new bats, Portnoy preached to the choir on Sunday.

Wearing a Boston Red Sox hat, the Barstool Sports chief gave his thoughts on the bats while aiming at their rivals.

‘Of course, the Yankees hired an MIT physicist to basically take wood from the other parts of the bat,’ Portnoy said. ‘Like near the handle label and put it in the sweet spot to make the sweet spot bigger.’

‘They did this because Anthony Volpe sucks and he kept getting jammed and sawed off and we’re like, ‘How do we make him not suck? Let’s just make this bat called a torpedo bat. Where basically, you swing and you make contact on the handle, get sawed off, it’s a homerun.’

Dave Portnoy fumed over the New York Yankees using torpedo bats against the Brewers

So I think the Yankees have hit like, I think, 13 home runs,’ Portnoy continued. ‘Jazz Chisholm, or whatever that guy, he’s got like 13 home runs. Aaron Judge is hitting home runs, he’s saying he’s not using the torpedo bats, he is, take a look.’

Portnoy then added how the rest of MLB will adopt the loophole despite it being considered cheating.

‘All of the teams are gonna use it,’ Portnoy claimed. ‘Should it be legal? No. Is it cheating? Yeah, it is.’

‘If you get sawed off, or you hit the ball off the label, that means you’re not getting your hands through enough and you stink,’ he proclaimed. ‘Just taking the bat and making the thing like a corked bat with this torpedo hump, so all you gotta do is make contact, it’s a home run… That just makes someone who stinks better.’

‘That’s just some geek from MIT ruining 100 years of baseball or 200 years of baseball. So listen, if MLB wants to sit on their a** and not outlaw this torpedo bat, then all the teams around going to do it and every game is gonna be 100-98, there’s gonna be 3,000 home runs.

‘I’m fine with it,’ he claimed. ‘Yankees have a long history of cheating and being scumbags and this just the latest. I think I saw the Twins or some other team using it, but you gotta get rid of the torpedo bats. It’s unfair to the pitchers, it’s stupid for the game.’

Anthony Volpe #11 of the New York Yankees hits a solo home run with a Torpedo bat in the second inning against the Milwaukee Brewers on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium

‘I should meet the Majors with this thing,’ he closed.

Apart from Portnoy and fans, Brewers pitcher Trevor Megill made his feelings known about the torpedo bats after the game.

‘I think it’s terrible. We’ll see what the data says. I’ve never seen anything like it before,’ Megill said. ‘I feel like it’s something used in slow-pitch softball.

Megill has yet to pitch in 2025 and admitted that moving the barrel of the bat could be a ‘genius’ move.

‘It’s genius: Put the mass all in one spot,’ he added. ‘It might be bush [league]. It might not be. But it’s the Yankees, so they’ll let it slide.’